Excerpted from Chapters 1-3, Keeping You & Your Kids Sexually Pure: A How-To Guide for Parents, Pastors, Youth Workers and Teachers by Dr. La Verne Tolbert www.xlibris.com
Abstinence
In addition to being good role models, parents must talk to their children about sexual purity. Research demonstrates that when parents expect their children to be abstinent, they are more likely to do so.[1] Studies also show that when boundary lines become fuzzy, or where messages are mixed, like handing out condoms while supposedly teaching teens to say “No,” kids are ultimately confused about what’s right and wrong.
Like the anti-smoking billboard with the mother who says to that acquaintance puffing away on a cigarette, “Not in my house!” mothers and fathers everywhere are taking a stand. Children are expected to obey biblical guidelines that affirm sexual intercourse for marriage only. Period.
According to a recent survey, 72% of black parents report that it is against their values for adolescents to have sex before marriage. According to this same survey, these parents are doing a great job at communicating their expectation that sex is for marriage only.[2] Unfortunately, 47% of these same parents feel there is little they can do to keep their teens from having sex.[3]
Why So Powerless?
Messages from the media coupled with courses in the classroom present our children with a smorgasbord of options that include non-marital sex, same-sex sex, group sex, Internet sex, and combinations thereof. Society urges parents to teach children to say “No” to drugs and alcohol but draws the line there.
Why do parents feel so powerless? When it comes to their most precious possession—their bodies—our children are learning in public school that they have the right to have sexual intercourse. And many parents question whether or not they have the right to say, “Not in my house!”
They do and they must! Christian psychologists Drs. Henry Cloud and John Townsend took the Christian community by storm when they proclaimed that setting boundaries is necessary and positive.[4] Simply put, boundaries are essential because they keep good things in and bad things out.
God defined the boundary for sexual intercourse, and that boundary is marriage—marriage between a man and a woman. Some parents assume that their children understand this, but when it’s not specifically discussed, children are unsure of their parents’ values.
Says one student, “Parents haven’t set boundaries, but they are expecting them.” And unfortunately, children who want to discuss sexual ethics with their folks “can’t get their attention long enough.”[5]
Parents must clearly articulate the sexual boundaries. Investing the time to build relationships with our children cultivates healthy talking ground. Here is where boundaries are set, and parents who do so realize that children feel safer and more protected with adults who are not afraid to be proactive.
[1] Mann, J., McIlhaney, J. S., & Stine, C. C. (2000). Building healthy futures: Tools for helping adolescents avoid or delay the onset of sexual activity. The Medical Institute for Sexual Health, Austin, TX. www.medinstitute.org
[2] National survey of adolescents and their parents: Attitudes and opinions about sex and abstinence, Project No. 60005—Final Report (February 26, 2009). Family and Youth Services Bureau Administration for Children and Families, U.S. Department of Health and Human Services. http://www.toomanyaborted.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/PDFs/AbstinenceStudy-HHS-ACF-ABT.pdf
[3] Ibid. p. 45
[4] Cloud, Henry, and Townsend, John (1992). Boundaries: When to Say Yes, When to Say No to Take Control of Your Life. Grand Rapids, MI: Zondervan Publishing House.
[5] Stodghill II, R. (June 15, 1998). When sex is kid stuff. Time Magazine, 151, 23. p. 57.
